Conflict Management

Conflict Management

Conflict is a normal part of life that occurs when people are interacting because each person in the interaction has a different life experience, and different expectations. This assumption is also true for marriage, where two people come together, coming from different backgrounds, and having different expectations of the marriage, as well as holding various expectations about their spouse. Within this setting, each person is bound to react differently to various circumstances in the marriage that may bring about conflicts. The conflicts are a healthy part of a relationship involving two people with feeling thus bound to either get hurt or hurt another, or do something that the other is not happy about. However, the strategy each person or both employ to address the problems highly determines their ability to manage the conflict without letting it unduly affect or disrupt the marriage. Therefore, as exemplified in the case of John and Mary discussed herein, conflict management facilitates the resolution of a conflict when they arise, and if the couple is unable to utilize effective conflict management skills, and the problem may continue and disrupt their married life unduly.

According to conflict refers to the pursuit of incompatible goals between different people, or groups, whether violent or non-violent. Conflict is a normal part of human interaction that occurs because of different ideas, varying goals, and different levels of importance thus creating disagreements, although they can be addressed through conflict management skills and people able to proceed in peace. Furthermore, as stipulated by Tillett and French, conflict is an inevitable and pervasive part of our human life that occurs between individuals, families, organizations, communities, and countries. Conflict management denotes the limitations, mitigation, and containment measures undertaken in relation to conflict behavior. Through the adoption of various conflict management skills people solve various forms of conflict including violent and non-violent.

Case Scenario

John and Mary have been married for the last five years, and have one daughter who is three years old. For a period of six months, their marriage was filled with tension, misunderstandings, and conflicts, which began when John began coming home drunk, without there seeming to be an explanation for the change of behavior. The couple was undergoing a relationship conflict that occurs when a people present strong negative emotions, poor communication, misperceptions, or repetitive negative behavior. Prior to this, John was a committed Christian with his wife, he used to treat his wife with respect and was rarely complaining, though this does not meat that their marriage did not have any causes of conflict. When John began drinking, Mary tried to accept the situation under the rationale that John was a grown up man and could thus make his own decisions concerning behavior that he thinks appropriate for their marriage, though she tried to make him understand that she was not happy he was drinking.

After sometime, the couple became antagonistic towards each other as Mary got tired of her husband drinking, and John was first not ready to agree that he was drinking, and when he accepted he felt Mary was being too restrictive, thus becoming antagonistic towards her.  To try and keep peace, Mary at first sought to keep away from the topic, ensuring she did not raise any topic that at some point may lead them to discussing about John’s drinking, while John started avoiding Mary incase she brought up the discussion. However, the avoidance soon brew too much tension that led to an explosive exchange when Mary confronted John after two months of avoiding the issue, this led in a heated exchange with John storming out of the house.

After another two months, in which Mary had unsuccessfully tried to confront her husband, she sought the help of their Church pastor, who advised her to approach John calmly without trying to show her unhappiness, her antagonism, or showing that she judged him. When she tried this approach, John seemed receptive, and he stopped running out any time his wife tried to talk to him about his drinking that started without warning, and that had been a source of much pain for them for the period he had been drinking. Eventually, John was able to open up to Mary admit to the reasons he had been drinking and agree to try to solve them without unduly affecting his family. During their discussions, they tried to talk to each other in a time when the other seemed relaxed to avoid initiating another confrontation, having realized that when they especially tried to communicate when John was drunk they eventually exchanged bitter words that hurt each of them. Therefore, they adopted a non-confrontational method that was likely to produce the best results with minimal disagreement.

Conflict Management Skills

Throughout the conflict process, the couple used four distinct conflict management skills that included being accommodating, avoiding, partial mediation, and collaborating. Initially, the couple adopted an accommodating management skill as exemplified by Mary, who initially tried to understand the point of view of John in his sudden drinking. Being accommodating denotes a strategy whereby a person places the needs of another person first, and sacrifices their wellbeing for the other person (Moosad). In this case, Mary did not want her husband to be drinking and her needs were exemplified by this desire; however, she did not stand her ground but yielded to her husband’s behavior because she felt he had a right to do what he felt was right for himself.

The second strategy implemented in the conflict was avoidance or withdrawal, which involves assuming that the conflict does not exist and if you pretend it does not exist, and then the conflict will end. The avoidance management strategy is based on the assumption that things will always work themselves out, although this rarely happens in real life situations. In the case used, at some point the couple avoided the topic of John’s drinking and even kept away from discussing any topic relating to alcohol, in order to sustain peace in the family.

The third strategy used in the presented conflict is partial mediation, exemplified by Mary seeking the help of their Church pastor, recognized herein as partial because the third party did not directly intervene in the conflict, but offered advise on ways the wife could handle the conflict. Mediation involves finding a solution to a conflict by directly involving the conflicting parties in the presence of a mediator, or a third party able to identify underlying issues that the parties may overlook on their own. Nevertheless, in this case Mary opted to seek the advice of their pastor without directly involving him in the conflict management process as a third party or mediator.

The fourth strategy utilized in this conflict is collaboration, which involves understanding the feelings of the other persons, understanding the reasons for the conflict, and finally seeking a middle ground to ensure a win-win resolution. In the case study, Mary tried to communicate with her husband without showing any antagonistic feeling, and they were able to come to an agreement and manage the conflict without any of them running out of the discussion. The husband was able to discuss about the reasons he was drinking and agree to work out the problem to the restore the unity of their family.

Evaluation of Application

When faced with a conflict, people employ various strategies that will help them address the particular conflict; sometimes, people use these strategies alone or in combination with others as exemplified by the case of Mary and John use of four conflict management skills namely accommodation, avoidance, partial mediation, and collaboration. In the application of these skills, the parties involved in the conflict try to do what they fell will best solve the problem. When considering accommodation, which involves giving in to the needs of others and considering the other’s outcome as more important compared to that of self. In the stipulated case, capitulation or accommodation reflects on the wife who sought to put the needs of the husband ahead of her own as the immediate way to resolve the conflict. In applying this technique, Mary told John “It is all right to drink if you feel it solves the problems you are having.” This shows that Mary yielded to the needs of John although this was unlikely to achieve an outcome that was good for her.

In the application of avoidance, Mary sought to ignore the existence of the conflict because any time the problem came up the parties became more antagonistic towards each other. In avoidance, the parties recognize that sometimes confronting the problem may lead to increased conflict, and thus choose to avoid it to either retain harmony or in the hope that the conflict will run its course and end. In the case of Mary and John, the parties avoided any topic that would aggravate the conflict including any issue on drinking and alcohol, noting that the antagonism between them resulted from John beginning to drink and disregarding his wives concerns. In cases where a party may have brought up the issue, the other would say “they do not want to talk about it” thus effectively closing the discussion. Unfortunately, this strategy made the conflict stronger instead of alleviating the problem.

Another conflict management technique applied to the case was mediation, which may involve a third party wither directly or the mediator may facilitate the process without being directly involved in the content of the resolution such as applied in the case of John and Mary. Mary effectively undertook the mediation process by engaging the help of their Church pastor, who chose to offer her directions on ways to deal with the problem without getting directly involved in the conflict. The pastor advised Mary to “seek dialogue with her husband, while controlling any anger she may feel towards him or his behavior.” In this scenario, the pastor acted as a facilitator to ensure that the conflicting parties addressed the problem while avoiding any emotions that may exacerbate the conflict.

Having sought the help of the pastor, John and Mary engaged in another technique to try to manage the conflict by engaging collaboration. Collaboration involves a party in the conflict seeking to establish a win-win outcome that is satisfactory to all parties involved through an assertion of personal interest and at the same time empathizing with the other party’s. In the application of collaboration, Mary and John engaged each other in a process, through which they discussed the issues affecting their marriage at that point, the reasons they were having problems, the husband shared the reasons for his current behavior, and each shared their expectations feeling. Mary was able to communicate her dissatisfaction with John’s behavior stating “at some point it felt insulting to the integrity of their marriage, especially when he became verbally abusive when she initially confronted him with the problem.” The parties agreed to work at their problems together, with John promising to be more open about issues that may in the future affect his behavior, while Mary would try to be more understanding.

Suggestions for Application Improvement

Approaches to conflict management adopted in various conflict areas sometimes may not suit the conflict, thus exacerbating the issue further, instead of providing a solution. Shortfalls in the application are especially present when the parties are unable to put aside feelings of anger or hostility, and approach the process with objectivity and unemotional setting. The use of accommodation in the case of Mary was not an effective way to deal with the problem. Notably, accommodation works best when the other person is right, more powerful, or the issue is of more importance to another party. In this case, John’s behavior was destructive thus could not be constructed as being right, and the issue was important to both of them as equals in marriage.

Further, the application of avoidance as a strategy to address the conflict was not an effective method. Avoidance involves pushing the problems under the carpet, which instead of moving close to agreement; it increases tension and the potential for the situation to blow-up. By someone stating that they “do not want to talk about it” they are essentially saying they do not care enough to address the problem, or that the problem is better left alone, which in both case does not address the problem. When people avoid dealing with the problem, they are offering the situation the opportunity to denote as other issues are added to the conflict equation. In both the cases of accommodation and avoidance, the parties should have incorporated restorative techniques that provide the chance to address the problem immediately such as mediation, collaboration, and negotiation.

Other Useful Skills

Mary and John were able to utilize some of the most pertinent skills of conflict management; however, another skill that could have provided a strategy to address the problem is compromise. Compromise involves both parties working towards attaining a partial satisfaction for everyone’s concerns by seeking acceptable solutions to the problem where none of the parties either completely loses, or wins. Through compromise, the parties are each able to gain something or they meet each other halfway, instead of one party either loosing completely or gaining all. In the case of Mary and John, the parties could have initially reached a compromise whereby Mary will act condemningly towards the husband, while John will try not to irritate the wife by coming home drunk and being verbally abusive. This will ensure John does not feel pressured to act in accordance to the behavior his wife considers appropriate, while Mary does not have to deal with verbal abuse, and both will avoid the resulting tension.

Conclusion

Conflicts are a part of human life, whereby as long as people are interacting they are bound to have some disagreements because of differing preference; however, the disagreements are sometimes mild and quickly resolved, while other times they are high causing tension. When conflict occurs the parties involved must take action to alleviate the tension and resolve the disagreement, through an adoption of various strategies such as avoidance, collaboration, mediation, and accommodation such as exemplified in the case of John and Mary. John and Mary are a married couple experiencing a conflict resulting from change of behavior in the husband who begins to drink alcohol and becomes verbally abusive to the wife. The strategies that prove successful in alleviating the conflict are mediation and collaboration, and compromise may have proved useful, while accommodation and avoidance aggravate the problem indicating the importance of selecting a method that best suits the conflict.